From a Mother to her Son

I must confess, my reasons for wanting you in my life at first were wrong. Actually, 'wrong' would be a boldfaced understatement. I placed a burden on you so heavy even before your first cells came into existence. You were meant to save my marriage. But 6 months and several late night fights later, I realised that I made the gravest mistake by bringing you into my messed up world. And for that, I apologise. 

Sacrifice. That's what many people praised me for when I chose to become a single parent, calling it my "greatest sacrifice" as a mother. I, somehow, could never bring myself to accept that because, you see, I chose to bring you into this world, so doing what was best for us was not a sacrifice, it was my responsibility. The day you realise this in your own life is the day you truly become a parent. 

Now, granted, I'm not what most people would call the "perfect mother". I don't dote on you or dedicate my entire day to you, I yell (read as bark) at you for every little thing and often brush you off inconsiderately. But I hope one day you will grow to understand that none of these things have any bearing on my love for you. You see, I've chosen to tread a different parental path. Tough love, they call it. 

When you play rough with the dogs or your sister, I yell at you because I want to teach you to be kind to them and treat everything and everyone in this world with respect, especially those who don't have a voice to speak for themselves. When you don't listen to us, I yell at you because I want to teach you to be a considerate adult who pays attention to people and gives them the time and energy they deserve from you. 

When you break/destroy your stuff, I yell at you because I want to teach you that you are privileged and to not take that privilege for granted. When you fool around during study time, I yell at you because I want to teach you to concentrate on the job at hand. I don't care much for marks or grades but I will always expect you to give it your very best, even if your best is a 'just pass'. When you give something your all, you have no regrets. I have lived my life by that dictum and I want the same for you. 

I know yelling is not the best way to handle things but sometimes, yelling is all I have at the beginning/end of a tough and frustrating day. And while I run the risk of being your least favourite parent, it is something I'll be okay with if you end up becoming even half the person I know you can be. My boy, you have in you immense love, the ability to care and share and be creative, to be respectful and considerate and smart...all the makings of a good person. And that is all I want for you, to be a good person.

Genetics play a crucial role in who we are and who we become. Having studied the subject, it frightens me that you have a 50% chance of becoming an alcoholic, an abuser and have anger management issues. But what I also know is that environmental factors have a great deal of influence. So, while I might not go about it the right way all the time, I want to show you how you can be different, better. For your family. For your friends. For your partner. But most importantly, for yourself. 

Be the person your friends turn to when they need a confidant, the person whose partner feels loved and respected within and outside the relationship, the one who moves up the professional ladder because he's clever and on the ball, and, most importantly, be the person who is responsible in your decision-making and that also means that you take responsibility for your actions. What you score, who you date, what career you choose — I won't say that I don't care about any of these. But they don't matter half as much. 

I don't expect you to get any of this now but one day, when you are old enough, I have faith you will. A loving son whose family matters to him, a loyal friend who will always be there through thick and thin, a doting partner who makes his partner French toast just because they are special to him, an animal lover who will care of them in any way he can — I only hope I live long enough to see you become all of these and so much more.

The Realisation of a Dream

A best friend for a husband, two children — a boy and a girl, dogs, a big house with a lovely garden, a career that I love — this was the dream.

This is what I would tell people when they asked me what my vision was of my future. I began dating when I was 17, I had just begun college then. My partner, who I eventually went on to marry, was much older than me but it didn't matter because he was the start of that future I yearned for. My first dog-child Chino was phase 2 of that future, a gift on my first birthday as a married woman. When my first born human child was conceived, that was phase 3. Phase 4 was the career I created for myself when leaving the house to work was not an option. Phases 2, 3 and 4 almost made up for my miserable marriage. I tried, rather desperately and with great conviction, to hold on to my marriage as long as I could — hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I excused every mistake, every punch in the face, every bruised rib...just to hold on to my vision. But I couldn't. I failed. Or that's how I saw it as a dewy-eyed single mother.

My best friend convinced me that I could still have that future, one day. I, of course, laughed because while it is relatively easier for a divorcee to find love again, it seemed infinitely impossible for a single mother. It turns out that I'm one of the lucky ones. I married again. This time to a smart and caring man with a voice that could make me forget all my worries to the tune of Elvis' Can't Help Falling in Love and the cooking skills to whet my need for feel-good food. He is the father my son, Zach, never had. My vision of my future was starting to look clear again. I rebuilt a decent career.

On June 3, 2020, we added another member to our family - our daughter Olivia. We moved into Danny's family house that has a lovely garden and even lovelier roommates, his parents. We have three dog-children of our own, a dog-nephew upstairs and ten adoptive dog-children just outside our gate. Our son has a great connection with his baby sister. Between Danny and I, we have stable jobs that provide us stable incomes and we are blessed.

I don't wake up to bruises anymore. I wake up to French toast, we have conversations, we make time for each other, we have a routine, we're all involved in chores, we take care of each other, we have...stability. We have movie nights and binge watch detective series and crime dramas. We do date nights and late nights. We respect each other's schedules and decisions. We have, what most would call, a stable relationship that is built on trust, respect and a whole lotta love.

A best friend for a husband, two children — a boy and a girl, dogs, a big house with a lovely garden, a career that I love — this is my reality.

Lost Hope

A few seeds sown into freshly tilled, moist soil. That’s how it all began for both of them. Since that day, for just over three years, both the tea and coffee plant grew well, tended to by the loving yet expectedly rough hands of plantation workers. They were fed and nurtured, protected against weather of all kinds to finally grow into Tea Leaf and Coffee Berry. All this for one ultimate purpose — to be picked, processed, packaged, brewed and consumed by hardworking folk, stuck in the everyday rut of satisfying servitude.

Tea Leaf and Coffee Berry grew in different parts of the motherland — one requiring black soil, the other volcanic red earth. But that was just one of the few things that was different between their lives. Both were oblivious to the happenings of the outside world. They had, for the longest time, only overheard stories from the plantation workers. Stories of their “good-for-nothing husbands”, “nagging in-laws” and recipes handed down through the generations. And stories from their plant elders on the journey that is to ensue after they are picked. For three years, they were being groomed to be consumed and breathe life into tired souls constantly on their feet.

As the seasons passed, their longing to begin their journey only grew exponentially. On one fateful day, two women, living very different lives, set out on their daily duty. They each swung their woven baskets over their head and walked down the narrow paths, brushing against every plant. One looked keenly for fresh, small leaves on the tops of tea plants, while the other looked for ripe coffee berries. Tea Leaf and Coffee Berry were among the chosen ones this time - off their plants and into the basket where they met others just like them. 

From there, the tea leaves were rolled, fermented, dried and packed, and the coffee berries were pulped, fermented, dried, roasted, ground and then packed. Tea Leaf and Coffee Berry had transitioned to Tea and Coffee during the process; they felt proud, more mature, more refined. Soon, after going through a greasy-palmed middleman, they found themselves displayed on a cold metal shelf of a busy supermarket, where they sat, waiting to be picked up. 

As expected, they did get picked. But where were they going to go? A quaint house where they would be consumed by warm people, in front of the television, perhaps? Or maybe a roadside ‘Tea Shop’ that opens even before the break of dawn, ready to serve the early morning shift? It was neither. It was a hospital’s hot beverage vending machine. Tea and Coffee were poured into the machine and each brewed in a vat of hot water, turning into decoction. 

Hours went by and with every cup of strong coffee and strong tea, Tea and Coffee were closer and closer to falling into a paper cup loaded with a spoonful of sugar and slipping into the mouth of chatty colleagues, taking a break in the pantry. Tea’s and Coffee’s time had finally come. Their entire journey culminating at 12 pm on a regular Tuesday afternoon. Preethi, the CEO’s secretary, had decided to take a break while her boss went into a meeting with the Director. She pressed the ‘Hot Tea’ button and tiredly watched the decoction fall, followed by the milk. Followed by her was Surendar, the Director’s secretary, all sore-legged and exhausted. He waited for his strong coffee to fall into his paper cup. One swift hand movement and both Tea and Coffee would be consumed. 

One swift hand movement happened but the result was not what they expected. The paper cups were set down on the newspaper laid out beside the vending machine in a hurry. Both Preethi and Surendar were called back to their desks by their bosses, forced to abandon that one hot beverage that could’ve jolted them out of their tired state. And what ever happened to Tea and Coffee? Before being poured down the sink, they sat expectedly on the counter for another 20 minutes until they went cold — both in temperature and in hope.

  

Sunshine and Blue Skies

Someone asked me the other day, "How did you pick yourself up after what happened with your ex?" Up until that point I never really thought about it. So when I was faced with this question, I started to recall the different stages I went through and anyone who has been through betrayal or heartbreak of any kind will understand how it goes.

STAGE 1: Constant crying
It is quite understandable for someone who is heartbroken to constantly be in tears, and I mean ugly crying. You wonder why this happened to you. What did you do in your life to deserve this? Every single thing around you will remind you of that one person you are so desperately trying to forget. You don't want to get out of bed, you don't feel like eating, you just want to sleep all day long because you want the days to pass. So if you or anyone you know is currently in this stage, let me assure you that it'll be over soon. Slowly, the crying spells lessen and you will find yourself in the next stage.

STAGE 2: Hate!
Yea, hate! You move from feeling sorry for yourself to hating the person and everything they did to you. You will curse them and swear at them, maybe even stick pins in a voodoo doll. Hey, whatever works for you! A lot of people will advise you that you should be the bigger person and go beyond the hate and forgive them, but I say HELL NO! If you are currently in this stage, then my next sentence is for you. Take YOUR time to deal with YOUR feelings YOUR way. Only once you are done feeling all that anger, will you find yourself moving up to the next stage.

STAGE 3: Standing tall
Why I suggest you express all that anger that you have suppressed is because once it's all out you will feel free and liberated. Expressing oneself especially in a tough situation is extremely important. Keeping your feelings bottled up or forgiving when you aren't ready will definitely cause you to emotionally implode.

Now, the weight is off your shoulders. You can finally dust yourself off and stand tall. You will start to experience happiness in the company of others, be it with your family or closest friend or even someone you were once close to whom you lost touch with. This is the stage when you will start to do the things you've always wanted to do. You'll enjoy company and you'll also enjoy spending some much needed 'ME' time. This is the stage you want to be at! But don't presume that once you are here you can't regress. It can happen but what's important is that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is and then pull yourself up when you are ready.

The best part about being in this stage is that you will start to fill the once empty spaces with people and things that you love. You may even open yourself up to feel love again. If you are currently in this stage then rejoice, because you will soon be moving on to the final stage.

STAGE 4: Me, myself and someone new
Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessary that we must always be with someone. This stage is all about you and your own life. Nothing you do or say or feel will have anything to do with your ex. It will be all about YOU and what you want to do, who you want to be.

You can't get to this point without going through each stage at your own pace. As much as people like to advise others, it is within your rights to do what's best for you. This is when you truly start to heal. Looking at another couple won't bother you anymore. Maybe someone compliments you and you blush. Whatever be the case, know that it's all sunshine and blue skies for your mending heart. 

Bold, Brave and Beautiful

It's safe to say that everyone changes when in a relationship. Some change for the better and some for the worse. Now I'd like to say that in my twisted relationship I changed for the better.. but then, I'd be lying. That's right. I changed for the worse. I could feel myself heading in a horrible direction. Backward.

Every relationship weighs in on our disposition. Ten years in a passive-aggressive turned physically abusive relationship weighed on me pretty hard. It first chipped away at my self-confidence, then my ability to stand up for my beliefs, and finally it took away my very essence - the adventurous, random, caring centre of my soul. What was left was mean, dark, hateful, empty. It happened because I let it. And what it feels like, is, the kiss of a dementor. But, I eventually conjured my Patronus.

Everyone will find themselves in this position at some point in their life. The important thing to remember is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will pull through and find yourself. Granted, it will not be easy but it won't be impossible.

When I left, it took a while to process the enormity of my decision. And internal battle after battle, I finally won the war. I was certain that this was the best decision for me and my boys. So with that out of the way, the next step was infinitely harder. Rediscovery.

A lot of the things I do today are things that I always wanted to do but never got around to doing. My tattoo and my red and purple hair are testimony to the fact that I look on the outside how I feel on the inside - bold, brave and beautiful. I find time to spend with my family and my friends. I spend the entire week between being a mom and working. I go out every Saturday to gather sanity to last another week. Most importantly, I will not allow anything to stand in my way again.

In a relationship we forget that there are two individuals just as much as there is one unit. You don't need to be single to do the things you want to do. Chalk out your bucket list. Start ticking it off whenever you can. Devote some amount of time every week for yourself. Your mind needs it. Your heart needs it. If you cannot be happy with yourself, you are bound to change for the worse. It's never too late to do the things you want to do. It's only when you are comfortable with who you are can you lend yourself to a relationship with the guarantee that there is only one direction you can go from there. Forward.

Ups, Downs and Loops Thrown In

Hello everyone,

This is my very first post. I have never maintained a blog before and I probably would suck at this, but, I am giving myself the chance to try something new. I have had a couple of people tell me that I should blog so, here goes.

A roller coaster of a life is exactly what I have experienced so far! My life hasn't been harder or easier than anyone else's but it's been my life. I'm a 28-year-old, single, working mother of two boys (human and canine). As simple as it is, this is who I am. A woman. A mother. A divorcee. I love my boys. Equally! And I was a victim of domestic abuse.

So why do I call it a roller coaster of a life? Because I have had ups and downs and loops thrown in. I have been tossed around and have felt sick to my stomach. As you can guess by now, I have not had a normal life with normal milestones, as a result of my decisions. I finished school when I was 17. This is how I thought my life would pan out thereafter: attend college, date a couple of guys, start work, move up in my career, meet the man of my dreams, get married, wait a while to have a child; by this time I'm 30.

Instead! Here's how that panned out: started dating, attended college, started working, got married, had a child two years later, got divorced, now working again and moving up in my career; all this before I turned 28. See what I mean by 'roller coaster'.

I am often asked if I regret any part of my life. I most definitely do not regret a single thing. Care to know why? Well, I believe in learning a lesson from every experience. Good or bad, it is irrespective. Those who regret are those who do not learn from their mistakes. I could say, "I regret marrying my ex-husband against the wishes of many," or "I regret not leaving sooner," but, this is how I look at it. If I didn't marry my ex-husband against my family's wishes I would have never learnt to value my family's opinions and I wouldn't have my boys. If I had left sooner than I did, I wouldn't have learnt to love and respect myself like I do now. Do you get the drift?

Take your time to make your decisions. And if you've made the wrong one, it's okay. You can still learn from it and be a better person, a better version of yourself. Every decision we take affects our karma. Karma isn't 'bad juju'. Karma is the spiritual principle of cause and effect where one's actions influences one's future. For every ill decision I took, it affected my future accordingly. But here's the thing about karma. You can turn it around! Do better, be better, and I guarantee, you will feel better.