From a Mother to her Son

I must confess, my reasons for wanting you in my life at first were wrong. Actually, 'wrong' would be a boldfaced understatement. I placed a burden on you so heavy even before your first cells came into existence. You were meant to save my marriage. But 6 months and several late night fights later, I realised that I made the gravest mistake by bringing you into my messed up world. And for that, I apologise. 

Sacrifice. That's what many people praised me for when I chose to become a single parent, calling it my "greatest sacrifice" as a mother. I, somehow, could never bring myself to accept that because, you see, I chose to bring you into this world, so doing what was best for us was not a sacrifice, it was my responsibility. The day you realise this in your own life is the day you truly become a parent. 

Now, granted, I'm not what most people would call the "perfect mother". I don't dote on you or dedicate my entire day to you, I yell (read as bark) at you for every little thing and often brush you off inconsiderately. But I hope one day you will grow to understand that none of these things have any bearing on my love for you. You see, I've chosen to tread a different parental path. Tough love, they call it. 

When you play rough with the dogs or your sister, I yell at you because I want to teach you to be kind to them and treat everything and everyone in this world with respect, especially those who don't have a voice to speak for themselves. When you don't listen to us, I yell at you because I want to teach you to be a considerate adult who pays attention to people and gives them the time and energy they deserve from you. 

When you break/destroy your stuff, I yell at you because I want to teach you that you are privileged and to not take that privilege for granted. When you fool around during study time, I yell at you because I want to teach you to concentrate on the job at hand. I don't care much for marks or grades but I will always expect you to give it your very best, even if your best is a 'just pass'. When you give something your all, you have no regrets. I have lived my life by that dictum and I want the same for you. 

I know yelling is not the best way to handle things but sometimes, yelling is all I have at the beginning/end of a tough and frustrating day. And while I run the risk of being your least favourite parent, it is something I'll be okay with if you end up becoming even half the person I know you can be. My boy, you have in you immense love, the ability to care and share and be creative, to be respectful and considerate and smart...all the makings of a good person. And that is all I want for you, to be a good person.

Genetics play a crucial role in who we are and who we become. Having studied the subject, it frightens me that you have a 50% chance of becoming an alcoholic, an abuser and have anger management issues. But what I also know is that environmental factors have a great deal of influence. So, while I might not go about it the right way all the time, I want to show you how you can be different, better. For your family. For your friends. For your partner. But most importantly, for yourself. 

Be the person your friends turn to when they need a confidant, the person whose partner feels loved and respected within and outside the relationship, the one who moves up the professional ladder because he's clever and on the ball, and, most importantly, be the person who is responsible in your decision-making and that also means that you take responsibility for your actions. What you score, who you date, what career you choose — I won't say that I don't care about any of these. But they don't matter half as much. 

I don't expect you to get any of this now but one day, when you are old enough, I have faith you will. A loving son whose family matters to him, a loyal friend who will always be there through thick and thin, a doting partner who makes his partner French toast just because they are special to him, an animal lover who will care of them in any way he can — I only hope I live long enough to see you become all of these and so much more.

The Realisation of a Dream

A best friend for a husband, two children — a boy and a girl, dogs, a big house with a lovely garden, a career that I love — this was the dream.

This is what I would tell people when they asked me what my vision was of my future. I began dating when I was 17, I had just begun college then. My partner, who I eventually went on to marry, was much older than me but it didn't matter because he was the start of that future I yearned for. My first dog-child Chino was phase 2 of that future, a gift on my first birthday as a married woman. When my first born human child was conceived, that was phase 3. Phase 4 was the career I created for myself when leaving the house to work was not an option. Phases 2, 3 and 4 almost made up for my miserable marriage. I tried, rather desperately and with great conviction, to hold on to my marriage as long as I could — hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I excused every mistake, every punch in the face, every bruised rib...just to hold on to my vision. But I couldn't. I failed. Or that's how I saw it as a dewy-eyed single mother.

My best friend convinced me that I could still have that future, one day. I, of course, laughed because while it is relatively easier for a divorcee to find love again, it seemed infinitely impossible for a single mother. It turns out that I'm one of the lucky ones. I married again. This time to a smart and caring man with a voice that could make me forget all my worries to the tune of Elvis' Can't Help Falling in Love and the cooking skills to whet my need for feel-good food. He is the father my son, Zach, never had. My vision of my future was starting to look clear again. I rebuilt a decent career.

On June 3, 2020, we added another member to our family - our daughter Olivia. We moved into Danny's family house that has a lovely garden and even lovelier roommates, his parents. We have three dog-children of our own, a dog-nephew upstairs and ten adoptive dog-children just outside our gate. Our son has a great connection with his baby sister. Between Danny and I, we have stable jobs that provide us stable incomes and we are blessed.

I don't wake up to bruises anymore. I wake up to French toast, we have conversations, we make time for each other, we have a routine, we're all involved in chores, we take care of each other, we have...stability. We have movie nights and binge watch detective series and crime dramas. We do date nights and late nights. We respect each other's schedules and decisions. We have, what most would call, a stable relationship that is built on trust, respect and a whole lotta love.

A best friend for a husband, two children — a boy and a girl, dogs, a big house with a lovely garden, a career that I love — this is my reality.